My room in the mental health ICU is made up of four bare walls, a window with the blind permanently closed, a bed, a blanket, a pillow…and me. If I want to use the landline phone I must do so under the watchful eye of a nurse, and only during the times allotted. Dinner is served on styrofoam plates with only a plastic spoon and fork to cut my meal with…Give that a try sometime! It’s not a pretty sight. The powdered coffee is luke warm; I’m guessing to make sure no one can burn themselves. I eat when I’m told it’s time to, because none of the rooms have a clock. I shower in an unlocked shower room with a handful of generic body wash, and I’m not allowed to wear street clothes or socks; only the scrubs and blue slippers they provide. The mirror in the unlocked washroom is a sheet of metal screwed to the wall, and impossible to break. While I lay awake in my room, I hear patents being restrained down the hall. They are a threat to themselves I suppose… as I was. I plug my ears to block out the crying and yelling, while feeling relieved that I cooperated…or I would have been restrained as well. If I want a pencil and paper I need to sign the pencil out, and one sheet of paper is what I’m handed. A camera is on me at all times, and for some odd reason I’m not allowed to sit on the floor. When I want my light turned off, I need to ask the nurse to do so, as my room doesn’t even contain the switch. It’s lonely and sterile, but I’m there for my safety, and it’s been my home away from home… three times now.
How did I get here again? What was I thinking? How could I hurt the people I love so much? How could I have been so foolish? How did my brain not think of the consequences?- Are all questions which have been swirling in my mind like a tornado for the past few days. The level of guilt I feel after hurting my family, my friends, and myself is nauseating. I wish SO MUCH that it was all a bad dream! I want so desperately to wake up from the nightmare and see that it actually didn’t happen. I feel suffocated by relentless distorted thinking…Everyone is better off without me! They will never forgive me! They will never truly understand what the depths of my depression feels like! They won’t understand that I’m not rational when I’m in that darkness, and barely ‘feeling’ anything at all. It takes an army to convince me that my thinking is wrong, and days…weeks…MONTHS…to ever begin to forgive myself.
I want the cycle to end so badly. I can’t hurt the people I love anymore. I can’t hurt myself anymore.
So tomorrow is another day…and a blessing. No catchy ending to this blog…this is all I have in me tonight.
“Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.” ~Helen Keller
UpTalk Podcast
Paramedic Nat 
October 25, 2014 at 1:17 AM
Time can pass so slowly and the darkness feels like it goes forever. And I understand that you think no one can understand. But they do. You’re worth the time, the energy and you deserve the love that surrounds you. Even if you don’t believe it’s true right now.
Let just a small ray of hope come to your heart. That’s a huge thing to ask right now. I know. The world is more than willing to beat you up so there’s no need for you to do it too.
Just that small ray…feel the warmth of it on your heart, your soul
Allow it to be there. Just concentrate on that. Nothing else.
It’s your first baby step. It’s one moment at a time, if that’s what it takes.
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October 25, 2014 at 3:05 AM
I’m likely not the only one reading this and wishing I knew how to be helpful.
Even though you might be right about understanding how it feels, there is pain palpable in your writing. The honesty is undeniable. I think that most will agree that it is easier to forgive you than you know.
We watch in awe as you fight this battle tipped against your favour, praying you have the strength to try again and try again..
May the grace of your friends and family sustain you in those times when you’re “barely feeling anything at all.”
Anything truly worth doing rarely comes easy and there are often setbacks along the road to success. You keep trying. That’s all anyone wants right now and, as you’ve said, tomorrow is another day. No catchy ending needed. Your honesty has been what everyone appreciates.
JH
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October 25, 2014 at 4:23 AM
Nat, I do not know you or even met you but I know that many paramedics in the service I work for are following your blog. All I can say is to keep fighting. Take it one day at a time. I am grateful for your honesty and being as out spoken as you are. It helps me realize what you are going through and I do want you to get better. I am cheering for you. One day at a time, one day at a time
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October 25, 2014 at 11:50 AM
Like you did two days ago, I sit here and stare at the screen, wondering what to say. Your hurt and pain is written in every word of this blog. So plain and simply I say I am here for you!! No one reading your blog is here to judge you, we all love you and are here as your army. To give you strength and hope when you need it most. You are so much stronger then you give yourself credit for. The fact that you started the blog and then came back after the last four days to write again, is amazing! Keep putting one step in front of the other! Your army is here for you when you need !! Xoxo
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October 25, 2014 at 12:30 PM
Perhaps not a catchy ending but it was the words prior. The thoughts and ideas put forward in order to make sense of things … it’s honestly the best way to figure things out. We chase things around in our minds for so long until the minute we let them out and seemingly, follows the answer.
You thought the ending wasn’t catchy, but tomorrow really is another day. You made all you could of yesterday and now you can make the most of today. It’s a better world with you in it 🙂
As always, gentle on your spirit, keep moving forward 😉
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October 25, 2014 at 12:40 PM
Nat you paint the picture exact. I feel for you beyond words! Your personality, attitude and spirit will always be welcomed back amongst your family and friends with open arms! You are one of the most powerful and strong women I have ever met! Keep going girl! Everyone has your back. We want that contagious smile back!
Chin up xx
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October 25, 2014 at 3:58 PM
Its very hard for me to read these blogs but i do because i support u thru thick and thin nat its hard to believe the person that gave me the upmost care and support thru my time is going thru this but i have a feeling u will beat this terrible disease that is eating us up nat please stay strong and it will be done
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October 25, 2014 at 6:52 PM
Yknow, honestly things just fall in my lap sometimes.
This is from Tim McGraw’s latest disc …. ya ya, country … don’t judge LMAO!!
Hope it helps though. I find a lot of comfort in lyrics
For the light sleeper, the street sweeper,
Promise breaker, promise keeper,
The astronaut, the acrobat,
The underdog who is coming back.
Maybe you’re Hooked On Phonics or Mary Jane;
Coca Cola or cocaine.
We’re just a different kind of the same, yeah.
Sticks and stones can break you.
But words are medicine
When I’m black and blue, I’m broken and bruised,
I hear your voice again.
Words are medicine.
The beautician, the mortician,
The blinded sided, the night vision,
The baptized, the chicken fried,
The rolled tide, the unforgiven.
For the girl who is lost in romance novels,
The guy who sees through whiskey goggles
We’re just a different kind of the same
Sticks and stones can break you.
But words are medicine, words are medicine.
When you’re black and blue, you’re broken and bruised,
Just hear my voice again:
Words are medicine.
I do. I will.
I believe in you still.
I have a dream.
Imagine.
A shiny city on a hill.
I’m sorry. Forgive me.
I love you.
Words are medicine.
When you’re black and blue, you’re broken and bruised,
Just hear my voice again:
Words are medicine
When we’re black and blue, we’re broken and bruised,
I hear your song , my friend.
Words are medicine
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October 25, 2014 at 9:40 PM
I know everyone is different, and what works for some might not work for others, but I so badly want to help you, because I can relate to how you feel. The main thing I want to tell you though, is that it can get better.
But what worked for me, was chocolate in small amounts (chocolate covered almonds were my favourite when I needed them.) And also yoga. There are tons of videos online – not sure if you have access to the internet, right now, but if you do it can be a great help, because it shows you how strong you can be to make incremental changes and hold out through what at first seems very difficult, but actually isn’t as bad as it seems. Good for exercise, and good for everyday life. There’s a girl named Ali Kamenova on You Tube who has posted so many videos. I don’t know if you do yoga already, but I never used to until I was battling depression/anxiety, and I just started with her beginner videos and grew from there. Like I said I don’t know if those things would help you, but they did help me, so I wanted to share that with you.
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October 28, 2014 at 3:02 PM
I love yoga! I’ve just gotten back into it recently. Thank you for your advice.
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October 26, 2014 at 3:08 AM
Remember to Breathe.
http://www.themindfulword.org/2012/remember-to-breathe/
Keep in mind, Yoga is just “fancy stretching”, so stretch in the ways you know how or feel safe doing, hold, breathe and just Be the person you are in that moment. Don’t judge that person, just be her and accept her.
Wishing you peace.
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