The other day my teacher told us that we as ‘save your life school’ students need to ‘get comfortable with uncomfortable’. I knew what she was referring to; that we would be delving into deep emotional topics we would normally avoid…we would be experiencing distressing moods we would normally numb. But immediately my brain also related this complex phrase to something else; being a Paramedic.
Over the last 11 years while being a full-time medic I can definitively say that I have become very comfortable with uncomfortable; and I am noticing how unhealthy this is. I’ve been acclimatized to live a life that includes horrific memories, relentless nightmares, and engrained images of sadness and pain. That may sound barbaric to anyone not in the emergency services field, but it’s literally part of our almost daily lives. Devil’s advocates out there may be saying to themselves that ‘we signed up for it’, but we didn’t. We signed up for an amazing career that allows us to help people on such an extraordinary level, NO ONE signed up for mental turmoil. We signed up for the chance to save people’s lives, NO ONE signed up for memories of patient’s screaming in pain. We signed up for achieving educational goals, NO ONE signed up for drowning our sorrows in vices. We thought we would be ‘strong enough’ to avoid being uncomfortable, but NO ONE is. Strength isn’t measured by the number of deaths we pronounce. It’s measured by the number of deaths we recognized we needed to talk about in order to sleep at night. First responders are some kick ass people!…But signing up to be one didn’t mean we signed away our hearts.
It’s not normal to have a person ask you to ‘just take their leg and arm off’ because they were experiencing so much pain from being trapped in a car with multiple open fractures all over their body. It’s not normal to learn that the patient who hanged himself the night before, had a second noose waiting for his wife had his son not called 911 at the right time. It’s not normal to witness a young woman 7 months pregnant rub her belly with the only limb that could move as she had a stroke that would leave her disabled. It’s not normal to see the cell phone on the road beside the obviously dead driver crushed between the pavement and the car who was texting and driving…and it’s not normal to know he made the three sisters in the other car now two. It’s not normal to have to tell a granddaughter that we ‘did all we could’ after she begged for us to save her grandfather’s life. It’s not normal to experience and see the look of true evil when you learn how two innocent women were murdered. It’s not normal to be handed a baby that’s blue. It’s not normal to watch a child have a seizure for 30 minutes because your drugs just wouldn’t work. It’s not normal to watch someone die right before your very eyes more times than you could count. It’s not normal to hear a grandmother say that the baby in the highchair in front of you belongs to a 27 year old who’s dying from cancer. What we do ISN’T normal…so why would we think it’s ok to be comfortable with that? Why would it be ANY SURPRISE to hear that first responders are dying every month because they can’t take the memories any longer? I’m uncomfortable with how comfortable we’ve become.
I just got accepted into the University of British Columbia’s Master’s in Rehabilitation Science today. It’s my mission to use this education to make sure first responders heal AS they navigate the career we do truly love, not AFTER we’ve realized we’ve been comfortable for too long.
November 3, 2014 at 11:40 PM
You guys are incredible and amazing souls for doing the job you do!!!! xo
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November 4, 2014 at 4:19 AM
And so are YOU! 911 Dispatchers are the FIRST people to experience these horrible calls. I love you for all you guys do as well! XO
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March 25, 2015 at 8:25 PM
I am a paramedic too and yes it is normal in our profession to see the things that we see, but the way we deal with them is what is makes the diference! I spend a lot if time dealing with the demons that we see and I am going to tell you one thing. No demon is going to take my soul or win the battle over me, because I love my family, love is the most powerful force that we all have, love is what makes me go on and love is what conquers any demons or nightmares. Love for my family, love for my job, love for all other people is what at the end of a bad call makes me say “it is worth it”. Good luck with your studies my friend, you have touch many lives. This job is not for everyone, this job is for the brave people who cares about the others.
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November 4, 2014 at 12:27 AM
Agree wholeheartedly with AB!!
Thank you for all that you do !!!!
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November 4, 2014 at 1:38 AM
Wow Nat. You comments hit home with me. 27 years in the job and I have had my heart breaks. I have experenced some of the situations that you mentioned. Every once in a while (for me) the memories come back. no nightmares, just a short time period of sadness. I have been very lucky to have an excellent support network and the time to decompress after the call from hell. Keep going.
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November 4, 2014 at 3:05 AM
Thank God you’re not normal! You paint a hauntingly brilliant series of images. Almost unimaginable. Almost.
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November 4, 2014 at 2:20 PM
Congratulations on your acceptance into that program! That’s such a great idea, I admire your drive and ambition!! You are going to do amazing, keep up the great work
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November 4, 2014 at 5:28 PM
Thank you! XO Always appreciate you rooting for me 🙂 Hope you’re doing great!
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November 4, 2014 at 3:42 PM
congratulations on being accepted into the Masters program! wishing you nothing but the best along this road of recovery and discovery. stay strong!
– reader from Edmonton.
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November 4, 2014 at 5:28 PM
Thank you so much!
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November 4, 2014 at 4:37 PM
I agree that it’s not normal it is exordinary! As a paramedic in Toronto for the last 15 years I don’t feel hauted by the things I’ve seen but rather privileged that I could be there to help these people on their time of need. Yes this is what I signed up for. I’m saddened that their are so many of us that feel burdened with grief over other people’s troubles. I hope you get the help you need.
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November 4, 2014 at 11:26 PM
Natalie that was powerful and so enlightening. I do not envy you guys for what you are faced with everyday. I have so much respect for what you do and am horrified and sorry for some of the calls we have to send you into. I read your blog everyday and have taken so much from it.
Thank you Natalie my thoughts are with you xo
Bella🌹
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November 5, 2014 at 12:02 AM
Thank you XO I have the utmost respect for you guys too. I’m so happy you are enjoying my blog…that makes me so happy to hear. It was wonderful seeing you the other day!
~Nat 🙂
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November 5, 2014 at 12:23 AM
Your bravery and strength have never ceased to be an inspiration. They lit up the path to a way out of an ever deepening darkness that was more than ready to swallow me up. You have my most sincere congratulations on your acceptance to UB; I have no doubt you will use this opportunity accomplish more than wonders. We’re all in this together.
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November 5, 2014 at 5:32 AM
Thank you 🙂 I’m so happy that you are doing well! You are so right…we are all in this together! Big hug.
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November 5, 2014 at 12:53 PM
Bringing what you’ve experienced from subconscious to the conscious is a great step forward in gaining some control. Best of luck in your journey.
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November 5, 2014 at 10:16 PM
I was thinking about you today as I hadn’t checked your blogs for a few days. Sounds like you’ve been in very deep thought! Again, I admire your strength and honesty:) I often think how rewarding yet scary being a paramedic must be. I am a paediatric emerg nurse and I can relate to how comfortable we get with very awful and sad situations. I also know I go home with a heavy weight as it’s not really seen as acceptable to show emotions in a busy emerg. Like you said “this is an emerg, suck it up and move on”. But man, it must be even more tough to be out on the road, in tiny apartments, up stairs, in hotel rooms… Never knowing what you’ll have to see or do next. Again, props to all the first responders! Congrats on your acceptance and I think it’s great you want to teach others on your experiences- as you are now!
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November 5, 2014 at 10:20 PM
Hey 🙂 Thank you so much for your comment. I admire nurses very much as well. We have amazing jobs, but tough jobs. I especially admire anyone who works with pediatrics. WOW such an emotional roller coaster I’m sure. Thank you for what you do!
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November 7, 2014 at 4:49 AM
Congrats on the acceptance to the Masters program!!
My only wish is that you heal first … learn how to process this stuff before you help others offload the weight.
Then … you can truly cast your weight aside and use it to crush the issues of others to both your benefit 😉
Gentle on that spirit as always … one step at a time 🙂
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November 7, 2014 at 1:01 PM
Yes I agree. I was able to defer my enrolment to next September 🙂 Giving me more time to get better for sure.
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November 7, 2014 at 5:18 PM
I’m sure you completely appreciate the future benefit of being able to speak on a first person basis to this. Good on ya, Nat. Keeping positive thoughts out for you every day 🙂
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November 7, 2014 at 7:40 PM
Thank you …as always 🙂
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March 23, 2015 at 8:58 PM
I am just starting my journey as an EMT. I’m a little frightened, but, also knowing that I made the right choice in my career. After being a CNA for quite a while I found that I felt I could help more by being in the emergency medical field. I am happy that you wrote this because in our classes I feel that they don’t cover the stresses of the medical profession enough.
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March 23, 2015 at 9:55 PM
Paramedics pursue a noble career and experience unimaginable torment every time they don the uniform and hit the streets. I may not be one, but I know that they are unsung heroes, and need as much support as people can give. We don’t see what they see, we can’t know what they know. But they do their job with selflessness and pride.
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March 24, 2015 at 10:11 PM
Thank you Alex! Your comment is wonderful and humbling 🙂
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March 24, 2015 at 3:22 AM
I Feel you on that one. Nothing we do is normal or comprehensble to others not in the feild. Haunting memories & becoming used to death is not normal. I did not sign up to deal with death. I signed up to help prevent death. I have memories that haunt me daily but I also try to stick with the memories of the very thankful patients I come across. The ones who know we do everything we can for a loved one. The ones that thank us for coming out at 4am over a simple issue they are concerned about. The ones that truly are thankful for our services & every time I impact someone in a positive way I believe I did my job & did everything I could to help them as much as possible.
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March 24, 2015 at 10:10 PM
Thank you so much for your comment Sara 🙂 Thank you for doing what you do! And thank you for carrying the message that we DO have great days as well helping patients. I miss those days very much. I hope you are doing great 🙂
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March 24, 2015 at 8:41 AM
So many memories came back as I read this blog. After 23 years as a Critical Care Paramedic. I finally decided to retire. Ghosts of my own.
I will ALWAYS miss the good that I was able to do, the babies born healthy, and the many calls that that ended in patients alive and well.
Reading your final comments about your plans to help other EMS providers makes my heart sing with joy. Thank you! You’re what is so urgently needed out there, and I wish you all the best.
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March 24, 2015 at 10:08 PM
Thank you so much Laura! I so appreciate your support. I hope you are doing well today and every day 🙂
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March 24, 2015 at 10:40 AM
WOW! This is extremely powerful. Thank you for sharing this and for what you do!
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March 24, 2015 at 10:07 PM
Thank you Maggie 🙂
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March 24, 2015 at 7:30 PM
I left my job as a paramedic with Pittsburgh EMS back in 2012…. A year prior, I had a 6 week old infant, (a twin), die….we believe it was SIDS…. There was no help, no one to call, nothing…I went home, downed a half bottle of vodka, and passed out…. You don’t talk about it, you don’t dwell, you don’t show the “human” side….if you do, you’re “weak”, “unstable”, ….my favorite “typical woman”…. Well, I didn’t sign up for any of that….and I’m glad I got out…..I still have lingering moments or something will remind me of a nasty call…. There should be help for EMS providers….I applaud your efforts and pray you can offer that so eBay!
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March 24, 2015 at 10:06 PM
Hello 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing your story! I hope you are well today. Yes we need to talk much more in order to survive in the EMS field. We’ve experienced too many tragedies. Thank you again.
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March 24, 2015 at 7:40 PM
This is awesome and the truth!! Very few can actually relate!!
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March 24, 2015 at 10:05 PM
Thank you Troy 🙂
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March 25, 2015 at 9:52 AM
You guys saved my life! Thank you for all that you do!
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March 25, 2015 at 11:04 AM
Thank you for your comment Lauren. So happy to hear you are doing well!
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March 25, 2015 at 10:11 AM
I’ve been in public safety over 30 years. My ex wife was as well. This past Saturday, she stopped the nightmares forever with a rope in the garage.
What the author speaks about is real. So much misery and pain.
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March 25, 2015 at 11:04 AM
Dear Mike,
My deepest condolences go out to you and your family. My heart breaks for the pain you are enduring. You are in my prayers. Do you have peer and family support where you live?
Sincerely,
Natalie
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April 17, 2015 at 11:50 AM
As a paramedic for the past 10 years and a public health and health psychology student. One idea that I want to bring to the front lines of medicine, especially EMS, is “preventative mental health.” Why is our approach to treating mental health “reactive” instead of “proactive?” Mental health is the only area of medicine where we wait until the trauma happens before we do anything. In paramedic training, we train many hours on how to intubate and start IVs properly, but we do nothing to train and prepare our minds for the mental traumas we are going to face. “To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” We need to start training people on how to develop “well organized” minds that are capable of managing and rationalizing mental trauma in a positive way.
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July 28, 2015 at 12:23 PM
I’ve seen too much “not normal.” Turned in my bunkers Saturday. I’ll be an EMT for a little longer, then I’m going to start training responders willing to learn how to release the stress and trauma we experience, all that “not normal.” I call it something else, however, I will self-regulate as I am a guest.
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July 30, 2015 at 11:15 AM
I’m sorry to hear that you had to move on and turn in your bunker gear…but you have SO much to offer other first responders and they will be blessed to have you teaching them!
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August 7, 2015 at 2:31 PM
Excellent post!
I hope you don’t mind – I’m going to link it on my blog. Of course I will remove it immediately if you don’t approve.
Keep up the good work! Both on the streets and off…..
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August 7, 2015 at 5:38 PM
Link away! I’m so happy to share. Thank you! 🙂
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January 6, 2016 at 8:20 AM
So well put. It’s so true that we have become numb to what is normal and what is not. It changes us as a person. Thank you for doing what you’re doing!
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January 6, 2016 at 9:43 AM
It’s my pleasure. 😊
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January 6, 2016 at 8:23 AM
Reblogged this on chickymedic and commented:
This! Thank you Nat for speaking the truth.
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January 6, 2016 at 9:43 AM
Thank YOU for doing the same 😊
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August 7, 2015 at 5:40 PM
Thank you! Where are you a medic?
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