I need to write…I’m frustrated as hell. I’ve been ‘positive’, ‘positive’ way too long! Today is balls! I feel so gross in my own skin. It’s gloomy and dark outside so that totally doesn’t help! I’m so exhausted at working so hard to exist today. I love everyone who’s helping me so much that I think I haven’t truly given myself permission to scream yet. I don’t want anyone to worry…so I keep hopelessness inside, even hidden from me. Well today sucks! It’s been one thing after another and I feel like no matter how many steps ahead I get, a sledgehammer is waiting around the corner to whack me in the face…and then laugh at me.
Someone I know died two days ago. It’s horrible and sad and tragic. My heart is being pulled in SO many directions! I feel so devastated for the family…my heart breaks for the pain they are enduring…I think ‘how can I be sad when so many are being ripped to shreds with grief?’…but I still want to vomit with heartache. And then I think, ‘I could have put my family through that!’…how awful! MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSES ARE RUINING SO MANY LIVES! I AM SO MAD AT THIS DISEASE!
What is this world for anyway? Tell me! All I see right now is pain! All love seems to end in despair at some point…so what IS THE POINT? The clock of our hearts and souls are ticking only to stop at some cruel moment…when we least expect it. We just all wait…for what?…Discomfort and sorrow? I can hear lots of you saying, ‘Wow we’ve never really heard Nat like this before…’, well this blog is about honesty, so this is how I honestly feel.
I’m mad! I’m mad that I can’t use any of my vices to release this pain! I’m mad that other people can drink and I can’t. I’m mad that I can’t drown this disgusting feeling! I’m heartbroken that my son asked if I had anything to drink tonight while on the phone at his grandparents. I’m mad that I can’t punch the walls and scream! I’m mad at the sadness in this world. All I can do is pace the hall, over and over. Or lay in bed with my leg shaking on the brink of an anxiety attack. I’m not depressed right now..I’m pissed! 100% legitimately pissed off with life. All I want is an Imovane and to go to bed. My arch nemesis today is time! ‘Time heals everything’, ‘Let time do the work’, ‘Some time just needs to pass’…heard it ALL! Hell, I’ve even given those awe-inspiring crappy pieces of advice myself. Well ‘time that heals’ just seems to lead into another shitty time…just saying.
OK I’m going to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and hate my busy head. And hope with ‘time’ I’ll fall asleep.
UpTalk Podcast
Paramedic Nat 
November 9, 2014 at 9:59 PM
I am a firm believer in writing as primal scream therapy at times. Here’s to a better tomorrow!
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November 9, 2014 at 10:37 PM
Thank you. I’m hoping it’s so much better tomorrow 🙂
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November 9, 2014 at 10:34 PM
I don’t know if you like to read…and maybe you have read this book already…but it’s called”The Brain Mechanic” by Spencer Lord. I have a very busy, negative voice in my head…this book has really helped me to start finding a way to shut that voice up.
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November 9, 2014 at 10:36 PM
Thank you. I will look for it. I do love to read and haven’t read that one yet. Much appreciated! The negative voice is so horrible that’s for sure. 😦
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November 9, 2014 at 11:09 PM
Oh Nat, anger and frustration are good signs! I know in the moment you can’t see it, but that’s heathy to let those feelings out. I wish I could take you to the gym right now for a boxing session… Or maybe even just somewhere to let the scream out.
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November 10, 2014 at 8:02 AM
Being honest with yourself and those around you with how you are feeling is the best thing you can do right now.
Keep fighting …. Life is worth it Natalie!
It is hard to see now … But there is a sun shining behind those clouds … And they will pass.
Xoxo
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November 10, 2014 at 9:01 AM
This is my favourite post so far Nat. Get mad! :’-O get angry 😦 get ugly >:-(
We have a beautiful young 14 year old addict in our lives right now and we have sworn off booze for his sake so we are right there with you as much as possible. And we are also very angry and sad and currently seeming to lose the battle. D-‘:
Can you read on a kindle or kobo device with black screen on? That’s a great way to read at night without light flooding your eyes and wrecking your sleep. (I too have an imovane habit. )
In anger, your friend
CP
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November 10, 2014 at 9:12 AM
Has anyone mentioned to you what physical form your emotions can take on? It’s really my own theory but in the past, it’s been true. I wonder, being that anger is somewhat of a physical emotion, if having a punching bag to release your tension would be helpful.? Or tossing a ball against a wall as hard as you can and using a baseball mitt to catch it. Or running? All the while thinking about what is making you angry? . Some emotions are “soft” and some are “hard”. The soft ones are heartbreak, loving, guilt. Hard ones are angry, resentment etc. I know you understand.
Just a thought for those times when the emotions are “larger than life” and overwhelming.
I’m not going to say “with time it will pass” because at the moment you’re “stuck” and there isn’t much I can say to alleviate it..
….other than I’m immensely impressed with your continued effort…. you go Girl!
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November 10, 2014 at 12:41 PM
I completely agree with Coral’s comment. It is healthy to let your feelings out and not keep them bottled inside. You are doing all the right things by getting the help you need. Stay strong!
S
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November 10, 2014 at 1:17 PM
Hurray – so happy to hear you venting!! I was worried we would never hear how you are feeling on the inside at times. This is such a huge step forward Nat – none of us can stay positive all the time. Now pat yourself on the back for a giant leap forward! Without the anger and resentment its hard to appreciate the small joys of everyday living. You’ve got this girl!
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November 10, 2014 at 5:12 PM
Nat, Ian showed the class your email today and I’d just like to say thank you. My heart hurts too, but I’m glad that we’re all in this together.
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November 10, 2014 at 5:13 PM
Big hug! I’m thinking about you guys lots ❤
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November 10, 2014 at 5:33 PM
I’d also like to recommend “The Secret”..not the movie…the Book and when you do have patience and the ‘right’ time to read it… you can read it in sections and mark it up and book mark parts that help. and I know it has helped many people in my life find “reason” to why we exist.
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November 10, 2014 at 6:26 PM
Thank you! I will take your advice 🙂
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