Well it’s official everyone, I have writers block tonight and my brain hurts. I’m in layer 1 (bordering into layer 2) of my depression. It started while grocery shopping. The ‘off’ feeling settled in like the dark cloud it is, and all the world seemed weird to me. I just feel bored with this world. Have you ever read the ‘Berenstain Bears Don’t Talk to Strangers’ book? If you have, can you recall the page when sister bear sees everyone in her town as dark and mean looking? THAT’S how I saw people at the store today. Everyone just walking around like ants, monotonously searching up and down isles, trying to calm their kids, complaining about prices, waiting in line-ups and worrying about what to make for dinner…again. Probably just like they did a few days ago as well. Ugh. Then I get to walk outside in the bitter cold with the wind pissing me off…and why? Honestly, I don’t know why. And I hate it.
I get to just walk past the wine store when all I can think of is smelling a beautiful glass of red wine and taking that first sip…it would be heaven. (Figuratively…don’t get the wrong idea). All I do is look at the clock. I wait until I can go to bed…how exciting. I just don’t get the point of it all. Depression is a horrible demon.
I could probably stay in bed for days right now. I’ve accepted the fact that I will probably have a headache for the duration of this slump. I don’t have too much to get excited about these days. So it’s hard to smile. I have barely enough money to pay my bills now that I’m on disability. I can’t see my son whenever I want to because CAS intervened the last time I overdosed. My relationship is over with Ian. I feel so far away from my daughter. I have so much more exhausting mental health ‘work’ to do. Important and amazing people are dying (2 in one week). I can’t look forward to having a drink at night. I don’t have energy to go to the gym or yoga. I see so many people battle this disease at school every day. I have nightmares EVERY night…and now night terrors where I scream myself awake. I don’t have my phone, and I can’t be anywhere alone. I miss my dog Walter. And I don’t know who I am anymore. It all pretty much sucks.
That’s all I have to say tonight.
UpTalk Podcast
Paramedic Nat 
November 12, 2014 at 9:08 PM
It sounds like you’re stuck in the middle of a slump, it’s hard to find any motivation when everything goes that weird off shade of normal. It’s really easy to get caught in the negative when we feel like this, it steals our focus and eats us up. You seem more self aware than most, which gives you tools to work with when fighting this illness. Sometimes it just means that you’re more aware of the pain you’re in, but it also gives you more opportunity to pull yourself out. Next time you can manage, instead of listing all the things that you feel badly about try to list the things that you feel positively about and use that list as inspiration. I hope your mood improves soon.
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November 12, 2014 at 9:10 PM
Thank you 🙂 Maybe I will try that idea tomorrow…I do like it. I’ve taken an Imovane to hopefully have a nightmare free sleep so I will be snoozing soon. Appreciate your support and always enjoy reading your blogs.
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November 12, 2014 at 9:16 PM
It’s just a little exercise I picked up in Sociology years ago, it seems a bit silly but I find it really helps to refocus on the positive because our minds get so very heavy with the negative when depressed. And I don’t have a very concrete sense of self at the moment either, and I know how lost that can make you feel but I’m trying to remain positive and be excited at the prospect of a ‘new me’ as it were. I will send happy wishes for a nightmare free sleep across the globe for you, sleep is a MUST if we are going to have any chance at battling the urghs. And thank you for your kind words, considering how crappy you’re feeling it’s incredibly sweet of you to be nice to me! xo
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November 12, 2014 at 9:20 PM
🙂 Anytime. Have a great night Chat soon.
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November 12, 2014 at 9:43 PM
You are Natalie Harris, my cousin. Someone who is loved by sooo many people. You are important in this world.
You are somebody who is making a difference.
You are a mother to two beautiful kids.
You are a friend to many.
You are a fighter !!!!
You amaze me.
…… I love you Natalie
Maybe this will make you smile …. Do you remember speeding through the bush on the ATV and smashing into the dead tree and the way our legs looked after that ? You were never allowed to drive again. Or the 6 man outhouse in the middle of the bush ????
So many good memories.
And you have so many more to make …
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
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November 12, 2014 at 9:53 PM
It’s never just one thing. It’s one thing and then the confluence of dark clouds as portent to a storm. If you’re able to, try to break down the clouds into manageable puffs of gray. When we live our lives in the extreme we are susceptible to the euphoric highs and devastating lows. The good news is that depression is cyclical and has an end (before the next cycle begins). You are still fighting. Rest up. Tomorrow is a brand new day.
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November 12, 2014 at 11:45 PM
You had the courage to write. You expressed perfectly what it’s like. I won’t insult you with the usual platitudes but you just need to hang in there. Keep writing for your own sanity xx
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November 13, 2014 at 8:05 AM
I’m sorry things are so dark for you right now Nat. No one knows how this feels but you. It’s interesting to note that all the reasons you need to “get better” are mentioned in this post – your kids, your friends, your job. hang in there girl!
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November 13, 2014 at 8:41 AM
I hate that the light is dim in your life right now. It’s difficult to continue putting one foot in front of the other. There are days that I feel like the world is against me and then there are days that i feel I can conquer the world. Don’t lose hope. You can only get so low before you have to come back up eventually.
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November 13, 2014 at 9:32 PM
HeY Nat – just checking in to see how today went. Know that lots of people are cheering you on to beat this disease.
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