So AB says I have to blog tonight…don’t worry, she’s not Chinese water-torturing me to do so…she just knows it will be good for me and I needed a push. In fact, she actually offered to give me ALL of my responsibilities and freedom back (I think it was a test), but I declined. I’m not sure how I would handle being on my own all of a sudden; I like feeling safe with someone always with me. So while I’m indeed weaning myself off ‘save my life school’ next week, I’m not ready to be completely released into this mad world; it feels too, ‘weird’.
Ok, back to the ups and downs…I skipped school on Friday. Yup. I said it. And it didn’t come without its ‘disappointments’. I couldn’t sleep all Thursday night…I tossed and turned to no avail. So when Walter reminded me in his snuggly way that it was time for his morning pee at 0715, I had managed to get about 2 hours in total…sigh. I had a headache from hell and I felt like a zombie, which probably didn’t help my mental tug of war between the ‘you’d better go to school or you’ll disappoint people’ and the ‘but I feel horrible and not having a day to myself will make me feel worse’ emotions. I wasn’t feeling depressed or anxious; I simply felt like crap! But now that I have a mental health label across my forehead, I find it very difficult to explain to people that some of my choices are purely human necessity choices; anyone would be frustrated with not sleeping at all! But alas, now that I have a list of ‘bad decisions’ longer than Santa’s naughty list, I’m not easily trusted. Touché.
So I decided to stay home. Oh, God. I SO hope everyone will understand my decision and not give me a hassle. I hope they believe I’m actually feeling physically sick. Well I would soon find out that my loved ones were NOT impressed…and I felt horrible. And to top it all off, my confused brain thought that ‘not-impressed’ meant MAD…but it didn’t. Use your tools Natalie…you have no proof of them being mad! They simply want the best for me ALWAYS! Over all, I had very mixed emotions about this outcome. One side of me was mad because I knew in my heart I made the right choice for ME, but no one (except my friend, Caroline) would believe me (again, I had no proof). The other side of me doubted all of my instincts and second guessed my decision. I still have SUCH a hard time not fully understanding where my distorted thoughts cross over into healthy thoughts; and it pisses me off.
Being a ‘normal’ girl feels as far away as the next galaxy to me. It frustrates me so much that my actions have caused me to not be trusted by my loved ones, and by myself. (Those damn consequences again). I ‘feel’ like I’ve disappointed so many people, and that weighs so heavily on my shoulders and makes me second guess my confidence in…me . What ‘normal’ is, I have no clue. But I use to feel like I had some idea. So I tried to do ‘normal’ things the past couple of days, and it felt great. My friend and I picked Adam up from school on Friday then went to the BulkBarn for treats (and a bone for Walter). Fun ‘normal’ thing to do – check! I had a lovely girl’s dinner with my daughter the night before. Awesome ‘normal’ girl”s-night thing to do – check! Then we all hung out and played video games (well Adam played video games). Super fun ‘normal’ thing for Adam to do – check! And I made pasta for dinner. Yummy, ‘normal’ dinner choice- check! I felt all sorts of normal…and it was amazing. I really needed it. Fast forward to today… I wanted to hang onto that normal feeling for as long as I could! I loved watching Adam play in the snow with his friends. I loved just sitting and chatting with my friend. I loved doing laundry (I can’t believe I just said that), and I loved learning with 100% certainty that my broken heart would eventually heal. This normal girl was kicking ass with commonplace!
I also went and looked at condos. I need to downsize eventually and I’m actually really looking forward to it. I still have a lot of research to do…but it was nice feeling out my options. It will also help me find another piece to the healing-heart puzzle I’m slowly putting together. I’m not running away from things (I have been known to do that from time-to-time), but rather I’m seeing that a fresh new start is what I really need…eventually.
No sad poems or posts tonight…just rambling confessions of confusion…and I’m damn sure that’s normal. 😉
“Mad World” ~Gary Jules/REM
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world, mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
http://www.emsworld.com/article/12009260/suicide-stress-and-ptsd-among-emergency-personnel
Paramedic Nat 