Dreams in general are exhausting for me; both the ‘aspiration’ kind, and the ‘bedtime’ kind… most likely because they are both so intangible to me. They are out there, but so out of my control. I’ve noticed that ever since the Travelodge trial, and especially since my last overdose, my bedtime dreams have been completely absurd!… And night by night the level of the absurdity is progressing. Allow me to explain. I know that most dreams don’t make sense anyhow, but lately mine are off the charts outlandish! Screaming Wizard of Oz witches fly over my head while I try to jump off a Disney cruise ship because a gang of prisoners are chasing me. Like seriously? Or I’m frantically selling mashed up paper in a mall as a meal replacement. What the hell is up with that?

Then when crazy witch dreams aren’t enough, I’ve been adding a night terror or two to my nighttime regime; a new unwanted reoccurrence in my life. I wake myself up screaming, covered in sweat, often scaring my family in the next rooms. A terrifying feeling…for everyone! Even worse than that, the other day my daughter asked, “Mom what were you doing downstairs at 0330 for a half hour last night?” WHAT? I was never downstairs! All I could remember was that a night terror woke me up, and I thought I went right back to sleep. But no…I was sleep walking…TOPLESS! I had no shirt or bra on that night because I took them off after finding them soaked in sweat post night terror. (Gross but true). Thank goodness Caroline wasn’t having friends over late that night! Could you imagine!? AB also remembers me walking around one night outside of my room and I don’t recall a single second of it. (Luckily with a shirt on).

I’ve had reoccurring tornado dreams for as long as I can remember. (Probably 100 times without exaggeration). In that dream I’m always yelling at my family to go in the basement, but everyone ignores me. I can see the tornado, huge and dark, right behind them. So I scream some more, but they still don’t look my way. Then, just at the last minute, they slowly follow me to the basement where we can look out the window and see that it’s about to hit our house. It feels SO real!…Even after the 99th time. The bricks in the wall start to shake while the wind howls! I try to cover everyone with stuff or my body as the roof rips off. I can see the swirling darkness coming our way. Even in my sleep I feel sick to my stomach. Then just as the tornado is about to lift me away…I wake up…every time.

I researched what the tornado dreams mean, and according to the dream dictionary, ‘we have dreams of tornadoes when we are experiencing powerful emotions brewing (sounds familiar). It may also suggest that perhaps there is a potentially destructive situation in your waking life, or maybe you are feeling overwhelmed or lack control (my life to a tee). A tornado can represent a difficult period you are trying to get through (pretty much all the time). They can also represent general stress and huge changes in your life’ (BINGO!). My waking life has pretty much been a tornado, so it’s fitting to add tornadoes to my sleeping life as well I suppose. (Screw you Dorothy!) 

Moving right along…I’ve now done a 180, and for many nights now, I can’t sleep at all! (That is without medication). Maybe it’s because having horrible dreams is exhausting. (Ironic?..possibly. Oxymoron…most likely.) So the only dreams I have lately are my aspirations…I have a lot of those. I dream that I will be healthy one day and that I can return to work as a kick-ass Paramedic. I dream that this nightmare (pun intended. Ok, I really have to stop this… lol) will end and be nothing but a tiny memory in the past for my family, friends and myself. I dream that I will fall in love again one day. I dream that mental health illnesses will lose their stigma in my lifetime. I dream that Paramedics, Dispatchers and First Responders of all kinds will never be afraid to talk about what’s on their mind, good or bad. I dream that I will one day fall asleep forever, when my time comes…not because of my actions. And most of all, I dream of peace and serenity.

Sweet dreams 🙂