I’m home tonight, and it’s almost Homewood Eve. I have Walter snuggled beside me while I type, and the Christmas decorations are up. Earlier, Caroline, Adam and I made ornaments while we laughed about nonsense; it was wonderful. Then I watched Adam play outside with the neighbours in the snow and chatted with Caroline about her new boyfriend…a perfect day. But no matter what, the time I spent with them felt sad. I kept thinking about how I won’t be here to enjoy the decorations and we will all be separated over the holidays; I’m not even sure when or if I come home. And I miss Ian. 😦
I’ve been SO emotional. I cry at the slightest sad thing. Adam made me a necklace…I bawled. Caroline hugged me…I sobbed like a baby. Walter let me cuddle him like usual when I saw him for the first time in days…nothing could make me hold back my tears. I packed up at AB’s house and made the bed FOR REAL…tears…lots of them. Jon told me I’m a good mom…cried uncontrollably. It’s all so bittersweet. I’m SO grateful to be going to Homewood on Tuesday, but I miss my life. Yes that’s ME saying I miss my life…the one who tried to die 3 times. But it’s true, and the emotions I feel as of late are raw and gut wrenching.
Sooooo…Last night AB gave me my phone, my wallet, my passwords and a bag of my medications that have been locked away for a month. Gasp! When they were in my hands I stood there holding them, frozen in time, like a kid caught red-handed stealing a chocolate bar. What now? I asked AB. “You go and keep getting better! It’s up to you now.” I still couldn’t move. Finally I carried the bag of meds to my room on my finger like a bag of dirty diapers headed to the trash. This is just so weird. When I got to my room with my kryptonite swinging in a bag like a pendulum, I turned around in a slow circle looking for a home for ‘them’. I had permission to have the ‘substances’ that almost killed me in my possession. I was about to sleep fully trusted with them only feet away! I dropped them on the floor and forgot about them…the best I could do.
Earlier that day AB asked me why I thought I was so emotional. She was sure my ‘Yay I got a bed at Homewood’ high would carry me into Tuesday. Secretly, I knew it wouldn’t. The change would not be easy for me. I had settled into my new routine and I knew that uprooting again would stir my dark world for sure. My answer to her question was that I felt similar to the way I felt when I came home from the hospital a month ago. Worried about my family and friends, filled with guilt that I couldn’t take care of myself, and sad that my life was upside down. These feelings didn’t in anyway discount my gratefulness…they were there for a reason I’m sure. And I needed to feel them and let them be so that I could carry forward with what ‘save my life school’ had taught me. Distress will pass…have faith in that Natalie. Still not easy!
Monday is my last day of ‘save my life school’…sigh. Now I’m crying again! I love every single person I met there! I felt this unexplainable connection because of our similar struggles and pain. Thank you everyone for opening your hearts completely, through stories, tears and talks. You all taught me how to be vulnerable enough to heal, and strong enough to trust. Complete strangers became my extended family…and I couldn’t have picked a better bunch if I tried. This 100% includes my teachers! ‘Lou Diamond Philips’, you are truly amazing! Your ability to even convince me to give the program a chance took one special person 😉 I trusted you and you never let me down. You made me laugh (you make all of us laugh) and I felt so safe telling you anything. The program would never be the same without you! XO. ‘Colourful Glasses’, I learned SO MUCH in your class! Without a handout (99% of the time 😉 ) I still walked away a better person because of the knowledge you shared. You got me to break out of my shell and that’s not an easy task. Keep rocking those colours! And thank you for everything. ‘Nurture Your Spirit’, you helped me navigate my confused and cluttered heart. You always did a great job keeping us on track, and had the most wonderful advice. Thank you for listening to us so closely and never rushing our words; you’re a beautiful person. ‘Anxiety Magician’, I didn’t give you enough credit at the beginning of my school journey. Anxiety class gave me anxiety..but you taught me how to change that! (A MAJOR feat, trust me!) Your knowledge of every subject you taught always left me in awe. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and patience (I know I questioned a lot of things at first). You’re an amazing teacher. ‘Smiles and Patience’ (I know you’re laughing that I called you that…but that’s how I felt about you 😉 ) You rock. I loved having you as a teacher because you facilitated the best conversations. You somehow were always able to make silence turn into productivity! So impressive! I will be keeping my emotion tree on the fridge for everyone to see. You are a great guy! “Save my life school’ was a success because of ALL of you! I will miss you!
That’s all for tonight…I have a busy day ahead of me. And I’m exhausted from crying. Night XO
November 22, 2014 at 11:39 PM
I knew you’d feel uncomfortable having everything back – but I gave you everything back because 1) I trust you’ll make good decisions, and 2) it’s time! I have faith in you <3!!! And you really did make your bed 'hotel perfect'! My house isn't the same without you!!! Magyver and I miss you!! xo
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November 22, 2014 at 11:43 PM
Until tomorrow night…all I can say is I LOVE YOU GUYS!…because I’m done with crying! XO
November 23, 2014 at 2:21 PM
Yknow … it struck me that if you’ve been strong for so long, having put on the brave face for so long, having been unable (for whatever the reason) to show sadness or vulnerability for so long … you just need to let the tears out you’ve kept in for so long 🙂
What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight … if it was easy, everyone would do it. But there’s innumerable value in doing the hard stuff.
Best of luck and nothing but positive thoughts from way up north … gentle on that soul 😉
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November 23, 2014 at 5:09 PM
Always love reading your comments. Thank you Jeff 🙂 You are an excellent writer 🙂
November 23, 2014 at 8:42 PM
Now if only I could write this stuff into lyrics like, “The Dance”, I could sell it and retire! LMAO 😛
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November 23, 2014 at 10:01 PM
Don’t forget me when you’re famous! 😀
November 24, 2014 at 6:23 AM
I’m as famous as I care to be right now 🙂
November 24, 2014 at 10:58 PM
Your blog postings have actually been a huge help this past week, (yes I binged through all of it in a week). I’ve been going through a rough spell and my biggest weakness has been asking for help. Because one of my defensive measures is to keep people at arms length my “Army” is quite small. You’re very lucky to have someone like AB in your life, I don’t have a bf because I haven’t let anyone fill that role in a long time. I saw a lot of me reading about your experiences, it was comforting and yet unnerving the similarities. Particularly the postings describing your overdoses, it struck a nerve. When going through the routine of going to bed I’d be gathering up my evening meds, and I have been catching myself staring at the Benadryl bottle. I’m having sleeping issues at the moment and have been finding myself wondering how many would it take to finally get some sleep. I so desperately want to sleep. But then reading your posts made me realize I’m in bigger trouble than I was willing to admit. So I started to reach out to my circle. So thank you Natalie for your blog and I hope things work out for you in Homewood. Good luck and happy early holidays.
November 24, 2014 at 11:01 PM
HI Sarah! I’m so happy you have reached out for help! It’s so much easier said than done I know. I’m proud of you and so happy that my blogs helped if even in the smallest way. Please keep me posted on YOUR journey. BIG HUG!!!
November 24, 2014 at 11:21 PM
Thanks I will. I already made an appointment to my councillor and going to see my dr about a new med this week.