frustrated

I’m on the verge of pulling my hair out and I’m going to go on a bit of a rant. I want to remind everyone that these are MY thoughts alone, and not intended to make Homewood U look bad…because it’s amazing. What’s bad is my disease and what it makes me think!

I was already feeling tense and frustrated today because I got the cold that’s going around here. But then my ‘connectedness’ class put me over the edge! First of all, I’m not comfortable with a student addiction councilor who is probably all of 25 years old running our groups, and I may have inadvertently said so…to her…and the whole class…and the doctor…and the other councilors. Ya ya ya…I can hear some of you saying, “But Natalie, you are a teacher. How could you think that?” An atrocity!  And yes I believe whole heartedly that students need experience and the best way to learn is to do. But I already feel SO vulnerable, and confessing details about my demon filled world to someone who is basically old enough to be my daughter is SO uncomfortable. To participate at all, I had to imagine that she was an addict too, that she ‘got it’, and I was just being judgy-old Nat. Not an easy task when my brain is already overflowing. Needless to say, I didn’t feel too ‘connected’.

I may have also told the whole group that I was bored and didn’t feel like I was getting anywhere. And I may have said that the class made me look at the clock every 2 minutes and wish for a drink! And I may have said in a super pissed off tone that I thought the 12 steps were balls! I may have done that.

But I AM pissed off at the program so far and what it’s making me feel! I’m frustrated with being told to do one thing one second, and another the next! “Make sure you take time to journal. It’s so important”. Then, “Make sure you don’t isolate. Stick with the crowd.” Huh? “Live in the moment and ground yourself”. Then “Play the tape to the end and always think ahead about possible consequences”. What? Frustrating as hell!

And you know what’s the MOST FRUSTRATING thing of all??? It’s my disease talking 😦  If my brain were healthy I would have been able to accept the support and understand the concepts. 😦 It’s just so exhausting…

57 days. I have 57 DAYS to understand all of this and more…and 4 are already gone wrapped in bitterness and confusion. Please dear God, I hope this starts to make sense soon. I hope I get to experience this  ‘spiritual awakening’ everyone is so confidently talking about.

The only reason why I’m not in my room bawling my eyes out after my angry behaviour, is because I know it needs to happen. My doctor says it’s good. So I’ll roll with that.

Anticipating inevitable pain is exhausting, and I wish the travel mug sitting beside this computer was filled with a nice Argentinian Malbec. Don’t worry…it’s not!

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