I’m on the verge of pulling my hair out and I’m going to go on a bit of a rant. I want to remind everyone that these are MY thoughts alone, and not intended to make Homewood U look bad…because it’s amazing. What’s bad is my disease and what it makes me think!
I was already feeling tense and frustrated today because I got the cold that’s going around here. But then my ‘connectedness’ class put me over the edge! First of all, I’m not comfortable with a student addiction councilor who is probably all of 25 years old running our groups, and I may have inadvertently said so…to her…and the whole class…and the doctor…and the other councilors. Ya ya ya…I can hear some of you saying, “But Natalie, you are a teacher. How could you think that?” An atrocity! And yes I believe whole heartedly that students need experience and the best way to learn is to do. But I already feel SO vulnerable, and confessing details about my demon filled world to someone who is basically old enough to be my daughter is SO uncomfortable. To participate at all, I had to imagine that she was an addict too, that she ‘got it’, and I was just being judgy-old Nat. Not an easy task when my brain is already overflowing. Needless to say, I didn’t feel too ‘connected’.
I may have also told the whole group that I was bored and didn’t feel like I was getting anywhere. And I may have said that the class made me look at the clock every 2 minutes and wish for a drink! And I may have said in a super pissed off tone that I thought the 12 steps were balls! I may have done that.
But I AM pissed off at the program so far and what it’s making me feel! I’m frustrated with being told to do one thing one second, and another the next! “Make sure you take time to journal. It’s so important”. Then, “Make sure you don’t isolate. Stick with the crowd.” Huh? “Live in the moment and ground yourself”. Then “Play the tape to the end and always think ahead about possible consequences”. What? Frustrating as hell!
And you know what’s the MOST FRUSTRATING thing of all??? It’s my disease talking 😦 If my brain were healthy I would have been able to accept the support and understand the concepts. 😦 It’s just so exhausting…
57 days. I have 57 DAYS to understand all of this and more…and 4 are already gone wrapped in bitterness and confusion. Please dear God, I hope this starts to make sense soon. I hope I get to experience this ‘spiritual awakening’ everyone is so confidently talking about.
The only reason why I’m not in my room bawling my eyes out after my angry behaviour, is because I know it needs to happen. My doctor says it’s good. So I’ll roll with that.
Anticipating inevitable pain is exhausting, and I wish the travel mug sitting beside this computer was filled with a nice Argentinian Malbec. Don’t worry…it’s not!
UpTalk Podcast
Paramedic Nat 
November 28, 2014 at 5:30 PM
Hell yes it’s good! While I’ve only ‘known’ you a short while, something tells me you wouldn’t have said anything if the sort prior to this! Or blog about it for that matter 🙂
So vent! Vent away. Get it out and off your chest because the sooner you let it out of your mind … you gain clarity … and often, the answers literally appear from thin air 😉
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November 28, 2014 at 8:02 PM
Hey Nat! I know you don’t me, you may recognize me by being on the same med calls in Barrie as I’m with Barrie Fire. I, two years ago was where you are now, the frustration, comfusion, trying to find my higher power blah blah blah lol however I made it through, I continue with seeing a professional and the best news is I’m back on the trucks! Don’t think that you have to be completely cured by the time you’re done, odds are you wont! But what you will have are the tools required to deal with your triggers, grounding skills for your anxiety and enough information that it will make you think twice before having a drink! I know I’ve been there! Chin up, rant when you need, cry if you need it’s all part of the process!!
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December 5, 2014 at 9:08 PM
Thank you so much for your post! I appreciate you sharing how you have battled as well. And I’m SO happy you are better 🙂 It’s not easy work, that’s for sure! One day at a time right? 😉 Say hello the next time you see me! Thank you again.
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November 29, 2014 at 5:58 PM
Well….Nat, I hate to say this but I’m glad you ranted!!! It may not seem like it but it’s very healthy, keeping things bottled up only lends itself to frustration and that inner battle we all have at some point. I realized early on in my career as a medic that allowing things to fester did me no good. Hey I didn’t get the nick name “piss me off” for nothing you know, lol. But what most didn’t realize is I wasn’t actually mad or pissed off. I was saying things to get it off my chest, and a lot of times things that needed to be said because no one else would. It helped me cope with a lot of shit and yeah some didn’t like what I said but the truth hurts sometimes. Hiding behind the fear of hurting or offending someone doesn’t do you or them any good. I’d feel the same way if a 25 year old was trying to help me. But you got it off your chest, and now can start moving forward, and don’t ever stop feeling the need to rant. We are all here for you, and will listen.
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December 3, 2014 at 4:55 PM
Thank you! 🙂 I’m happy you agree. I was actually approached by another councilor the next day who said they were happy I got it out and that most of the group was probably thinking the same thing, (And they were). I appreciate all your support! Big Hug!
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December 2, 2014 at 10:32 AM
It’s just the beginning! Remember how you were always rolling your eyes at the start of Save My Life School!
Before you know it everything will become a lot smoother and you’ll start seeing how far you’ve come without even realizing it!!
Keep it up, as always we are so proud of you,
Charlie
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December 3, 2014 at 4:55 PM
Thank you as always 🙂
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