poison

The poison of resentment is not a very cheerful Saturday topic I know. But none-the-less it’s a very important one. How much do we really enjoy anything, let alone Saturdays, when filled with this powerful emotion? I heard a saying that resentment is like poison you drink expecting it to kill another person. It casts us onto an island of loneliness and anger, with the only ship to rescue us called forgiveness. Lonely and angry we let that ship pass by…over and over again, because being rescued by forgiveness isn’t easy. I know, because I’ve been a castaway for a long time.

Resentment was one of the topics at the 12 step meeting I went to last night, and the discussion immediately reminded me of so many things to do with the Travelodge call. It dawned on me that I have probably been stuck on resentment island for a LONG time. I harbour deep anger which leads to resentment with regards to this call, especially towards my patient, the murderer. This covert emotion is hurting me. I know this because no matter how much I delved into my feelings this past week, barely scratching the surface of my sadness and anger, I still feel burdened by something. I naively thought that sadness and anger were the only emotions that were were making me sick. But after opening up those wounds, there’s still a lonely heaviness in my heart.

I resent everything about the Travelodge call. I resent the things I saw, the voices I heard and the spirits I felt. I resent the lack of debriefing afterwards. I resent the nights I’ve been woken up by nightmares. I resent the anguish it would have caused every first responder at the scene. I resent having to prepare to testify, only for the trial to be cancelled, yet back on a year later. I resent the misery those women went through. I resent the tears I cried alone for days after the call. I resent that Mark Dobson was my patient. I resent what I heard him say. I resent that I had to see him again at the trial. And most of all, I resent the evil this appalling human being showed me, causing my gross lack of faith in humanity to this day.

I resent May 2, 2012.

I want to get better. I don’t want to drink that poison any more. But if forgiveness is the only means of rescue, how do I go about doing that? How do I go about forgiving everything in my life that I hold resentment for? So many bad things have happened that seem unforgivable. I’m going to pray on this one. I don’t have the answers tonight.

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