This damn darkness… Why is it back? Not nearly to the extent it use to be (don’t worry, I am safe), but it’s here nonetheless. Close enough to make me feel like a fraud. Dark enough to make me want to hide from all of the positive advice I have given over the last…however long its been.
I’ve been wanting to write about it, because as you know, writing is therapy to me. But no matter how hard the magnetic field has been between my fingertips and these keys, before right now, I have filled my time with sleep or useless ‘being’, in order to avoid how honest this blog may end up being. So as you may be reading this and thinking.’that’s courageous of her to share this’, I promise you that all I can feel are fingers pointing, and hear skeptics yelling ‘we knew that you weren’t better’, when I say that I am depressed.
I’m torn…and uncomfortable. I have finally closed the pages of an old book, but not after reading the last few chapters over and over again because I didn’t want to admit that that book was done. It sucks. I had finally settled in to the comfy corner of pillows in my reading spot, had finally chosen my favourite coffee mug, and had gotten so comfortable with the feel and smell of the pages…and now, that book is done. I’m not getting anything else out of reading it over and over again. The comfy pillows are making my back hurt now. The coffee mug is suddenly just a coffee mug. And the pages feel cold, and smell boring.
Today, unable to stop the force to write, as my mind and soul know how necessary writing is for me to grow, I have finally accepted, that a new book, chapter, page…whichever you choose, has come to be; and this first edition really sucks for me.
Days have been boring, long and filled with my old alien brain lately. Nights have been sleepless. Thoughts have been dark…and incessant. This makes me SO MAD! I will get through this…I have the tools. But man oh man it feels like a punch in the throat having to share that I feel like shit again. I am NOT looking for sympathy. I am NOT looking for anything really. Selfishly, this blog is for me. And if you gain insight or even spiteful joy, good on you. The honesty, vulnerability and egoless peace I feel from writing this is what I need right now.
I’m doing a juice cleanse today. I thought it would suck…but I can tell you that this blog cleanse is worse…Both will make me shit, I’m sure.
July 25, 2016 at 11:39 AM
Oh Nat… it’s so normal. Believe me. I do it too. There’s not a lot of literature out there on surviving past a long-term suicide battle- probably because not many of us live. (This is something that’s been on my mind lately and another convo altogether, haha. Someone should write a book…) I could have written this post. It’s not NEARLY as bad, it’s not a life threat, but the fact it’s there makes you feel like you’ll never be free and feel like a fraud. Then the isolation- including that magnetic field you talk about, or being super busy “DOING” all the time, just to hide… yeah. I know it well. Truth is, you ARE better. You ARE different now- in every good way. Your scars will just pull a little from time to time. Victor Frankl talks about the long-term decompression needed after severe trauma and how we would do damage to ourselves, mentally and spiritually, if recovery happened too fast. He likens it to the Bends, for divers. It took a long time to get where you ended up. It takes a long time to get back. I know, I know… it SUCKS sometimes. But them’s the rules.
It sounds like you’re in the same transition I am… we went from mostly-dead to surviving and being quite content with survival thankyouverymuch but now we’re being faced with the transition from nice comfy simple survival to actually living and thriving and it’s terrifying. It was not much of a life, the cozy corner, but it was safe and it was lovely and it was familiar. Being alive again and everything that goes with it- it doesn’t feel normal and it doesn’t feel right. Maybe all this helps maybe it doesn’t but I just wanted to tell you what you’re going through, someone else is too and it seems that we’re in good company because others have too. Just nobody talks about it. Proud of you for overcoming it and writing. SM
August 28, 2016 at 7:26 AM
I started following u on twitter because you were in the health care. .now every day I check what you tweet. .I suffer from ptsd. .
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August 30, 2016 at 1:25 PM
Thank you so much for the message. I hope you find helpful advice and shares! I hope you are well!