I remember telling people over the years that being a paramedic was not the be all and end all of my identity. Yes, I loved my profession (and still do), but I was positive that I could take the good memories that I had and ‘move on’ to a different profession if need be. Wow, was I wrong! I am learning now how being a paramedic is deeply rooted in my psyche. For fourteen years it allowed me to feel like I was making a difference in the world every day. It gave me purpose and filled me with a passion for education. It allowed me to provide financially for my family. I was proud, happy and accomplished. I WAS A PARAMEDIC. Now…well I don’t know what I am.
I have come to the conclusion that I am without a doubt grieving the loss of part of my identity. So many people would give anything to stop doing their job, but I was never one of those people. Not to be insensitive to other professions, but being a first responder is more than just a profession, it’s a passion, and now having to accept that I may for the rest of my life be doing a job that I am not passionate about because I have a mental injury is very difficult for me. Allow me to elaborate…
I went from closing down highways so that helicopters could land, to closing the fridge on a good day if I choose to eat. I went from phoning base-hospital physicians to get permission to pronounce a death, to being suffocated by anxiety and not able to phone anyone at all. I went from performing life saving skills such as chest needles and intubations, to only being able to perform the life saving skill of taking my own breath. I went from teaching others how to run a dynamic cardiac arrest, to teaching others how to leave me alone so that I don’t get triggered. I went from feeling pride when I put on my uniform, to not being able to look at my uniform at all without bawling my eyes out. I went from racing to calls with the lights and sirens on, to the racing of my heart even while I’m alone in my house. I went from having friends at work to laugh with every day, to barely seeing those friends at all. I went from feeling successful, to feeling like a failure.
Don’t get me wrong, any job is a blessing, but being a paramedic is more than just a job, it’s part of who I am, and rewiring that part of my conscious and subconscious world is exhausting, confusing and very difficult.
I’m not trying to sound like a complaining, ungrateful person. All I’m saying is that changing a part of me that I loved SO MUCH is not easy.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the 5 stages of grief, you can learn them by watching this super cute clip below. I think I’m close to number 5…acceptance.
Paramedic Nat 
September 22, 2016 at 10:03 PM
I understand. I lost my career and passion after a brain injury. It is a loss of identity. I have to force myself out of bed some days, never mind a shower or going outside. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, brain injury-awesome combination.
I suppose there are times we just need to be gentle with ourselves. Injuries leave scars.
Maybe we both have to figure out how to build a different life and find different passions.
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September 22, 2016 at 10:10 PM
Sending you love! Thank you for your message. A good friend would always say to be gentle with my soul…I forget that a lot lately. Thank you for reminding me 🙂 I hope you are well.
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September 23, 2016 at 12:03 AM
Hey Nat! Great article. I’d like to say the first paragraph really struck a chord, but it was more like a harmonic. I’ve always felt that although this definitely has been a calling, paramedic is what I do and not who I am. Your writing gives me pause to reconsider. It is said that if you can make a living doing something you love, you’ll never have to WORK for a living. Now, in my 45th year of life and 5th year in EMS, I’ve come to experience this as the truth. It sounds like your next stage of life will be slightly similar to one that I lived through before I realized who I was and got into this craziness called paramedicine. Now, I can only speculate whether the anxiety, social anxiety, depression, substance abuse that I went through in my previous life were all symptoms of PTSD from my childhood, but I can say that we can learn how to find our place and survive in spite of the chains that we never really seem to get free from. But still:
Some are born to move the world —
To live their fantasies
But most of us just dream about
The things we’d like to be
Sadder still to watch it die
Than never to have known it
For you — the blind who once could see —
The bell tolls for thee…
..Neil Peart.
yours is not an enviable position.
But, as I know, my trials in life, my the mistakes, misadventures, my poor decisions, my wasted opportunities, wasted youth, it all prepared me for where I am now. No regrets, in spite of my embarrassment.
And you too will prevail. You will be better prepared for what is ahead of you. I sense that you are on the path to something great.
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September 23, 2016 at 12:35 AM
I’m (almost) speechless 🤗 THANK YOU for your message. The poem is so powerful! “… the blind who once could see…” I can feel the meaning of that.
You too are so well written. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. You have made my night much better.
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September 23, 2016 at 1:08 AM
I was a paramedic, but PTSD took that away from me. Although deep down in my heart, I know that I will always be a paramedic, unfortunately not necessarily in the traditional sense. Nothing, not even PTSD will ever take away my passion for helping others and based on your blog, I can tell that you haven’t lost that passion either. You are obviously meant to make a difference in the world, and your blog has. I have read quite a few of your blogs and I want to say thank you! Thank you for making me feel less alone in my similar struggle. Thank you for not being afraid to talk about how scary it is to have to walk away from being a paramedic bc of a Post Traumatic Stress Injury. Thank you for being so candid. I have lost such a huge part of my identity bc of PTSD. I have days where I am in complete denial and days where I am closer to acceptance, but it remains a day to day work in progress. Sincerely thank you for being brave enough to put this all out there and to give others like myself both hope and validation.
❤
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September 23, 2016 at 7:03 AM
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m sorry to hear that you have experienced the same. I’m happy my blog has helped you to see that you are not alone. Sending you love. ❤️
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September 23, 2016 at 3:57 AM
I can relate to this article. I was not a paramedic like young Nat. I was however for 15 years managing a busy organisation. I did everything and I had huge responsibility and I loved it. I had staff who came to me over and over in crises and everything gelled and then I was forced out with my illness so I have grief. 16 hour days frequently and no holidays practically
I do plan to reinvent myself though
I never had a paramedic as gorgeous as you Nat.. Sorry, not sexist!!
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September 23, 2016 at 7:04 AM
Thank you for your message my friend 😊 sending you love. Thank you for your support and kindness.
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September 23, 2016 at 5:08 AM
Thank- you for sharing. I get it. Right there with you… A very hard concept to someone who has never experienced it. As much as the memories haunt me, I still miss flying around the Arctic, doing the impossible with limited resources, and there are days when I would give the rest of my life to have my “old normal” back for 6 months. But I know that is bargaining… and after 6 years of PTSD, I still can not get to the acceptance phase. Thanks for your service, and for sharing a personal part of your experience.
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September 23, 2016 at 7:05 AM
Hello 😊 thank you so much for your message. I remember my bargaining phase so well. I’m happy that my blog has let you see that you are not alone. Sending you love. ❤️
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September 23, 2016 at 7:07 AM
You have just related everything I’m feeling now. I had wanted to be a paramedic since I was 8 years old, but I waited until my children were older before I got the chance. I volunteered with a rescue squad and was an Intermediate EMT, then I began working for the county EMS. They sent me to paramedic school and I earned my patch. I was 38 years old. I worked for two busy 911 services for ten years until a back injury ended my career. I feel like I’m mourning a death, it was so much a part of my personality. I feel lost and without purpose, just drifting around. I feel overwhelmed by the simplest of things. I know that I made a difference during those ten years, but I still miss being a paramedic dearly.
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September 23, 2016 at 11:37 AM
Thank you so much for your message ❤️ I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling too. Sharing your story let’s myself and others know that we are not alone. Thank you for that! Sending you love.
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September 23, 2016 at 7:13 AM
Your words resonate deeply within me. I don’t really think your past experience is going to go away-it’s part of you. So to me? Fighting to get away from it or forget it is wasteful of your energy. Perhaps acceptance of this fact will let you move forward.
Much hope to yoy
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September 23, 2016 at 11:38 AM
Thank you Marilyn ❤️
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September 23, 2016 at 7:50 AM
Girl, I’m right here with you. I am only just at acceptance myself. Choosing to go back to school and change careers altogether. Very scary proposition. Like you, being a paramedic is all I’ve ever known. But I’m choosing to say I’m a retired paramedic. That way I can move forward with a new identity, and still keep a piece of my old.
Tracey (chickymedic)
Ps Closing a highway for a helicopter never gets old. It’s always cool. 🙂
Sent from my iPhone
>
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September 23, 2016 at 11:39 AM
Hello my friend. Thank you! Retired paramedic sounds much better than I was a paramedic. Thank you for that!! 😊
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September 23, 2016 at 8:01 AM
Hi! Paramedic Nat!
I recently was forced to retire my volunteer EMT position due to psoriatic arthritis in my hands. Starting in that EMT role at 38 was such a huge achievement for me and was the thing I was most proud of in my whole work life! As a regular job I worked for the “enemy” , a health insurance company but even there my job was processing Medicare appeals to be sure big business did not take advantage of our seniors and disabled. I became an EMT to do something for me, where I was not Mrs M, not Mom, not employee or friend. This was for Laurie only! I have always suffered from depression but workgroup in the EMS system never seemed to trigger that. However have had some small bouts of PTSD after some bad calls. I may not have been as deep as you have been but I learned how to be kind to myself when I was there. My only advice to you is to be kind and patient to yourself. No one , and no illness can take away your passion, your selflessness or your basic self. Don’t beat yourself up for your struggle! It surfaced for a reason. U need time to let yourself heal from its effects. I send you love and understanding. I also hope your struggle will end soon and you realize you are still capable of being yourself again and can still help others. It may not be as a paramedic but you will grace this world with your special skills in some positive way! Good luck to you and stand proud that you knew u needed help (which so many don’t!) , and have worked hard to get to where u r now. Big hug coming to you from me! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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September 23, 2016 at 11:43 AM
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this message with me ❤️ I’m sorry to hear that you have battled with the same emotions. I am slowly seeing that the world still has plans for me, and reading comments like yours reminds me of that and helps me to feel better! Sending you love.
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September 23, 2016 at 8:49 AM
Going to have to follow your blog, I was a medic for 11 years as well but moved on a couple years ago.
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September 23, 2016 at 11:48 AM
Hi Greg, welcome 😊
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September 23, 2016 at 10:03 AM
Nat, it is because of people like you that I am able to type this comment. I suffered a terrible injury earlier this year and received such wonderful care from the paramedics, nurses, doctors and all of their support staff.
I wish you the best in your own recovery, but I also want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the transformative work you provided in your time as a paramedic. Its not only the lives saved and protected, but the countless others, be it family or friends, who depended on, needed that life saved and protected.
Thank you for doing what you did and being who you are.
James
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September 23, 2016 at 11:49 AM
Thank you so much for your message James ❤️ I hope you are on the mend well. Thank you for your kind words! Sending you love.
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September 23, 2016 at 11:09 AM
I have been an EMT for 13 years and I left full time EMS 10 years ago. I struggled with trying to provide for my family and do a job I loved, but I’m the end I suffered from burnout. Before I was an EMT I was a fire Explorer for 5 years, so for the better part of high school and college I had seen a lot of things that stuck with me. The day I left EMS was a day that I felt like I lost a part of me. I didn’t really have an other hobbies or passions. But about 5 years ago I began working out and started doing mud runs. I immediately fell in love with taking care of myself and challenging myself to see what I could accomplish. About two and a half years ago I took up cycling and now even volunteer on the EMS bike team for one of the largest bike rides in North america. While I still find myself missing the days of running before my shift started and leaving late after a huge MCI or whatever it was that held me over, I have learned to enjoy new things and appreciate what I can do to take care of the four most important people in my life. I hope you can find a hobby or intsrest that gives you same feeling that it gives me today.
P.s. seriously on the cycling though… it’s awesome and more fun then running!!!
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September 23, 2016 at 11:53 AM
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with me. I so appreciate it. I have wanted to try a mud run for a while. I love yoga and should really get back into it. I am so happy that you have found happiness and health with cycling. Sending you love.
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September 23, 2016 at 12:35 PM
To my friend Natalie. You are still making a huge difference in the world every day. Not many could do what you are doing with what your going thru. Keep sharing Nat you are such a bright light.
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September 23, 2016 at 1:26 PM
Love ya John 🙂
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September 23, 2016 at 2:14 PM
Wow I can’t tell you how much this struck a chord with me. I was a paramedic for 15 years, still have my card but I’m frozen by the idea of ever working again. I cry everyday. Spontaneously. I know it’s from the job and dealing with everything from those years but to read about someone else experiencing the same feelings is a small relief although not a warm one. No one can ever prepare you for how you be forever changed by that job, because it isn’t a job, it becomes an identity. And once it is gone, the struggle to fill in the cracks is overwhelming. Good luck.
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September 23, 2016 at 6:34 PM
Thank you so much for your message. I’m sad to hear that you are battling the same demons, but happy to hear that you now know you’re not alone! Sending you love and happiness 😊
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September 23, 2016 at 5:13 PM
Natalie, so very sorry that PTSD got to you. I can attest as a veteran 34 year LAFD inner city paramedic and EMS Battalion Captain that PTSD is a occupational hazard.
Please check out my song “Paramedic Rescue 101” if you have not already heard it. It is free on YouTube. All of the iTunes proceeds of this song are donated to the Widows, Orphans, & Disabled Firemen’s Fund.
Ken Krupnik Singer/Songwriter
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September 23, 2016 at 6:35 PM
Hi Ken. Thank you so much for sharing. I will take a listen and support you for sure. 😊 All the best!
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September 23, 2016 at 7:36 PM
Thank you Natalie! If others listen to the lyrics of “Paramedic Rescue 101”, they will have a better understanding of why paramedics and EMT’s get PTSD.
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September 23, 2016 at 10:35 PM
My problems is almost the reverse. Being a Paramedic is about the only thing I actually have a handle on, even as it too drags me down in its thousand little ways. Depression, GAD, social anxiety, grief and PTSD have left me hollowed out. I spend therapy trying to recover, but CBT doesn’t fix reality. So even as I strive to be better in other areas all I cling to is that I’m damned good at my job. The gets me up in the morning. My 4y/o son gives me the drive to survive until the end of the day. Any energy left is for masking up so as few people as possible know. Partner wonders why I refuse to take another leave. I think they think I’m being sarcastic when I say the closest I come to happy (content) is usually at work.
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September 25, 2016 at 9:37 PM
Hi Matt. Thank you so much for the message! I know of many medics who can relate to you feeling the necessity to stay on the road. You’re not alone with that. Are you getting any outside help though? Other than CBT?
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September 24, 2016 at 2:32 AM
As I read your beautiful words, it’s like you are writing about me… every word is how I feel, my thoughts are all over the place. PTSD is slowly crushing me. I am an ALS paramedic, I’ve been in EMS for 24 years and my mind is just tired. Tired of seeing the senseless trauma and death, not to mention our own safety being compromised in some areas, it gets a bit hectic at times. When will my mind “get over it” as everyone suggests
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September 25, 2016 at 9:34 PM
Hello. Thank you so much for your message! 24 years is a long time to see what we see 😢 I know that we can heal… But I don’t know how to get over it quite yet. I find emotions are such a roller coaster. One day I think things will be ok. The next day I am completely lost. As I learn new healing strategies I will share them here. I hope to help you somehow. Thank you again. Sending you love xo
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September 24, 2016 at 3:25 PM
Hey paramedic Nat. I’m Jody and I’m in my 40s. I look forward to starting my career in EMS. My mom was a state certified EMT & Paramedic. Once I graduate, I’ll be an EMT Advance then Paramedic. I pray for a long career. Wish me luck.
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September 25, 2016 at 8:22 PM
Hi Jody, I wish you all the happiness in the world. Our profession is a beautiful one. Even though I am sick, I miss many parts of it every day. You have an advantage with your mom being a medic as well. Listen to her advice. And ALWAYS remember to take time to take care of you. All the best!
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September 25, 2016 at 8:00 AM
I am a paramedic of 10 years and i feel its just a job. I have never taken my work home. I dont know if im lucky or part inhumane as i am generally a sensitive person. But at work i am all business! I am curious about the developmwnt of PTSD as some I have known have succumbed to it. Is this affecting ED doctors in the same way? I wonder of there is a tipping point, such as having reduced support at home? I genuinely feel for anyone affected and i hope you get over this quickly. Many people struggle with loss of identity after work ends; i believe it is quite an issue for our police comrades upon retirement. Life should not be this hard, and certainly not work. Good luck 😚😚
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September 25, 2016 at 8:19 PM
Hello 😊 thank you so much for your message. Yes, PTSD is present in all occupations, especially any who are experiencing traumatic events. My PTSD came from a moral injury- a patient I had murdered 2 women in a satanic cult ritual. I lost faith in humanity. I couldn’t understand how anyone could hurt another human being such as that. I had seen hundreds of traumas before… But that call was my personal tipping point.
I am happy to hear that you are well! Our profession is amazing and I wish you many years healthy and happy! 🤗
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September 25, 2016 at 10:43 AM
Nat “Be still and know you are loved” you are an inspiration and a guiding light. I have been following your blog for about a yr now and it’s like you are reading my mind at times. I am a 3 yr medic but 15 total in the service. … it’s left it’s mark. everyone thinks of us as the unbreakable with all we see and deal with, unfortunately there are more broken than anyone will ever know. It’s nice to know we are not alone. Thank you for sharing God Bless
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September 25, 2016 at 8:15 PM
Hello. Thank you so much for sharing this message with me. I wish you so much happiness. You’re share has helped me tonight. 💞
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September 27, 2016 at 7:49 PM
Oh Nat. You wrote my story. I’m right about at the same point you are. Be aware, acceptance is a flirt. You’ll think you caught it and then it’s gone again. You get closer every time tho. Hope is such a cruel thing; it’s taken me a couple of years to admit that my brain injury recovery’s gone as far as it’s going to go… and it’s not enough for a street medic career, let alone flight. And yes, it hurts in the most unimaginable way. I worked SO FLIPPING HARD to get to where I was, and so flipping hard to work my way back from injury… and it’s not going to be enough. Yes, I have a “better” life ahead of me now but knowing that doesn’t necessarily ease the pain, or the fact that I need to grieve the loss of something I loved very much. I just wish the grieving bit would speed itself up; no amount of willpower will do that tho.
Every time I read this post I cry, but it’s a necessary cry. Oh my friend, you are so far from being alone. I haven’t the energy to read all the comments from others but it looks like we’re in good company. Still unbelievably proud of you, Nat. Every day, every post.
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September 27, 2016 at 11:41 PM
Hi Sarah. Thank you so much for your message! It is definitely a good lesson to learn that acceptance is more like a roller coaster than a rocket ship into the sky; I need to remember that for sure. Xo I’m sending you so much love. We are definitely not alone. Man it hurts that’s for sure, but having other’s to help guide me along this journey is absolutely priceless. I’m so grateful. Wishing you all the happiness in the world.
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September 28, 2016 at 3:32 PM
I think over again my small adventures,
My fears,
Those small ones that seemed so big,
For all the vital things
I had to get and to reach;
And yet there is only one great thing,
The only thing,
To live to see the great day that dawns
And the light that fills the world.
Anonymous (Inuit, 19th century)
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September 28, 2016 at 6:52 PM
Thank you Mark 😌
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October 31, 2016 at 3:09 PM
Retired paramedic. ..16 yrs. My back and hips gave out from lifting. I so miss the rush, the “high”, the feeling of doing something so exciting and getting paid for it. Some hospital ER’s accept us as techs but the money not there….still mulling that over.
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April 27, 2017 at 5:08 PM
I am an axillary nurse. I am not working at the moment because of mental health illness and I am focusing on recovery. It has been so hard not doing what I love and I feel is the only thing that gives me purpose in life. I really do believe you are born with that nurses intuition or not.
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April 27, 2017 at 9:13 PM
Hi Amy, Thank you so much for sharing this. I so understand what you are feeling. Sending you love as you recover. Always here if you need to chat.
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April 27, 2017 at 10:47 PM
Thanks lovely x
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