I had a shower today. Seems like a normal and simple task, right? Well, not for those who battle mental health illnesses and injuries such as depression and post traumatic stress. Having a shower after somehow emerging from a downward spiral that seems like it will never end (unless you end it) is in my mind equal to the feeling of winning a gold medal. Moving to a mental space where you can lift your head from your pillow, and no longer contemplate peeing in a cup because the washroom feels hundreds of miles away (legit I have never done this before…but I have come close to bladder explosion when my mind is dark) is definitely worth a friggin’ gold medal!
One of the worst parts of a deep depression is that when you’re in it, you can’t see how bad it really is. Hence, peeing in a cup seeming like it’s not that bad of an idea. What happens to my mind when I am in a dark world is that I relentlessly try to get my brain to co-sign my own bullshit. My inner dialogue goes sort of like this:
Me: Brain, I know I shouldn’t pee in a cup…but if I do, it’s not the end of the world right?
Brain: It’s not a good idea Natalie. It will make a mess. You’re not a boy.
Me: But if it does make a mess, it’s my pee, so who cares?
Brain: I’m still thinking that it’s a bad idea.
Me: Well it’s not like I want to shit in a cup! Now THAT would be bad!
Brain: You’re still not selling me on this one, Natalie. You should just get out of bed and go to the washroom. The time we have spent debating this has taken longer than it would have for you to go and come back.
Me: Ugh, I hate you brain.
…and then I go pee in the washroom.
I could use so many examples in that same conversation with my brain. It’s torturous and exhausting. Yes I am using some comic relief to lighten the read, but overall these relentless internal conversations can get very dark, and when that happens I decide to sleep. I still feel guilty sleeping so much, but that method of numbing is MUCH better than the alternatives I used to use. So anyone who thinks I’m lazy can kiss my ass! I’m alive, sober, not hospitalized, and able to quickly rationalize that taking my own life is NEVER a practical option for me! A shitty decision like that will never get co-signed by my brain, because I don’t let the conversation even start. That to me is gold medal worthy all day long.
June 8, 2017 at 8:53 PM
Needed this read today; exactly where I sit as we speak. Thank you ❤
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June 8, 2017 at 11:07 PM
I’m sorry if this is wrong but I couldn’t help but laugh with the peeing in a cup. I’ve been there but thank god im a guy. I did have a shower after though. Your the best my friend. Hope your feeling better. 😊
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June 8, 2017 at 11:50 PM
I’m happy you laughed 🙂 that was my hope! Love you lots!!!
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June 8, 2017 at 11:50 PM
Hang in there in Nat. You are not the only one struggling. You are helping so many medics like me to get through the day. You help me understand what I’m going through. And I have hope. We need to take care of ourself because no one else understand. Thank you for allowing me to be okay. Leo
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June 8, 2017 at 11:52 PM
Hello 🙂 Thank you so much for your message. Sending you lots of positive energy!
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June 9, 2017 at 2:14 AM
I have been there myself. I didn’t clean my teeth for a few months!! I know! Shower, whilst I was in a Depression, a week.
I am not to make anyone go “ugh”, just resonate with Nat
Nat I love you
I’m praying for you.
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