I’m still searching for some meaning here. I’ve been ‘here’ before – figuratively and literally. I’m at Save-My-Life Summer School, where I hope to bump up my grades. “What grades?”, you may be asking. Well, my grades in coping with life and PTSD symptoms. I’m so grateful, don’t get me wrong. Like SO grateful. But no matter how you look at it, summer school sort of sucks.
I have a feeling that I will have a breakthrough – but alas, it’s only day three for God’s sake. I need to be a bit gentler on myself.
I actually bored of writing right now. No epiphanies to share. I’m numb. Completely numb. Like a robot walking the halls, emotionless and cold. I wish I had some feeling of connection to this life beyond being a mom; that connection is inherent. I mean a connection to a person or an experience. A connection to a feeling.
There were lots of spiders outside this morning. One even crawled onto my hand. A baby one. I passed it to my neighbour and he passed it to his. Without words, just passing spiders so delicately, like balancing a fragile egg on our finger nails, fearful that it would fall. It was moved safely to the seat beside us to go on with it’s merry day. It’s funny how none of us even came close to killing it. We’ve experienced enough trauma that even killing a spider is too much to bear. Well at least that’s my view of the experience.
I get so tired of feeling like a skipping record when I share what feels like the same story over and over with yet another nurse or doctor. I’m grateful – but I’m tired. The skipping record laughs at me and taunts me. Just when I think I’ve reached the end of the damn record, it skips and starts again. I wish I could just smash that record! Smash it into smithereens. Jump on it and scream for it to never play again. The pieces wouldn’t even deserve to be swept up. They don’t deserve my attention anymore. They don’t deserve my breath, my energy, my time. And I don’t deserve to be a broken record. Maybe I will smash it over the next eight weeks. It would feel so wonderful to have a different story. This one seems so pointless now.
UpTalk Podcast
Paramedic Nat 
September 15, 2017 at 7:43 PM
Oh
I certainly can relate!
Please post when you are going to smash a record so I can do it at the exact same time!
That way we won’t feel alone in trying to break loose from our debilitating PTSD!
Once again, I was stripped of dignity, the little that I have left.
My records are not only of PTSD but with new and chronic health issues!
I want to smash those records
Because with them comes losing dignity with every appointment.
When are professionals going to be mandated in to taking courses on treating all patients with respect and dignity!
I was urged to go to the hospital by a specialist for a severe health problem!
I was so ill I had to resort to lying on a filrly bathroom hospital floor
Instead of heaving and wrenching in front of a full waiting room! I couldn’t anyways
Because sitting up worsened my pain.
Only to be yelled at by a nurse
And frowning down on me like I was a piece of dirt!
I wanted to say to her
That cab driver showed more compassion and care walking me in to this hospital and pulling out a Kleenex to wipe my nose than you have as a paid professional!
But I didn’t
Oh and FYI
I’m a clean freak
So that must tell you what kind of state I was in to do that!
My friend couldn’t believe it when she saw me
The story gets worse , much worse
I had a microanuerysm in my retina two weeks ago
And yesterday well I thought I must be dying because the pain was so severe!
Talk about being triggered!
My PTSD is at an all time high
It still makes me cry thinking about what happened to me yesterday and if I was being really honest today as well.
The unfortunate thing is:
Speaking up just allows them to label you and treat you worse the next time you have to go there.
This is the truth!
I’ve decided from this day forward
I’d rather take the risk of dying here if another emergency arises
Than to go to a hospital
“Where you aren’t treated with dignity, compassion and caring!
No thanks I’ll hold on to what little dignity I have remaining.
Oh and if they know you have PTSD
Than immediately is goes from being an urgent situation to
Oh not so much!
I am appaulled
I am humiliated
35 years ago
I worked there and was highly respected by my peers.
It’s frightening how things have changed!
this world is not better and it makes me bitter!
And I don’t care
These are my feelings and they aren’t right or wrong
They are mine
I think that the government should pay people to be undercover patients in emergency rooms
To give the government an actual accurate assessment of what is going on in these hospitals!
Then things might possibly change and nursing will go back to the way it was in the good old days.
Caring with compassion and empathy and RESPECT and DIGNITY
Professionalism at its best with team work!
Sorry for the rant
I really needed too!
I know that you are in good hands from reading your book!
Thanks be to God!
And …..thanks….because I know that you will understand!
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September 15, 2017 at 11:53 PM
Ahh the wall…you will climb this one. The other side awaits. Your journey contines and that is the point.
Love you my friend!
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September 16, 2017 at 12:09 PM
Hello fellow pioneer. I was pondering like Pooh Bear,, think think, think, NOoooo DONT THINK, lol
So a pondering, PTSD is not new as we all know, Battle fatigue, shell shock , …… all unique to their times, as is the NOW ptsd, All new , reflection of the current times, and WOW, say no more!
So hence Pioneers. So are we not still running into the fire, first ones in and first ones out with the new tools and now we feel no more old story ,it served in the first steps of our healing, is the feeling, expand , explore, lets implement as we learn and heal further going forward together, as we are a team whether we know each other or not.
Could the broken record, and your feeling of it physically , wholly, throughout your being BE in fact the breakthrough???? The very sign post . Is the awareness of the broken record in fact the breakthrough.?
These are of course just my personal ponderings as I am wading through this and feeling it, so I just wanted to acknowledge what you wrote and Yes Summer School does suck because we all ready know the material , we just missed a few test questions because we could find our pencil, 🙂 it was in the other hand 🙂 as we lose everything lol.
We are in summer school out here with you so you are touching many , I am an example of the lovely synchronicity happening a co worker introduced me to you , on and on and all moving forward together as one climbs another rung we throw the tools to the one below, leave no One behind.
I am so glad to meet you Natalie .
Its bumpy out here as well , 🙂 your in our hearts.
Paula 🙂
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