Paramedic Nat

A Blog About a Paramedic's Mental Health Journey


April 14, 2018

Lonely Swing

She sits waiting. Still. Being. Alone. Some leaves blowing in the wind, but she is still. Her head is heavy and she makes a puddle of tears. She wishes someone would push the swing. It hurts to raise her head. Too heavy. Too much. Then she remembers she knows how to do it alone. She remembers that her legs can move her. She remembers she has swung and done what she needed to do. The tears dry up – mud – sand – dust – gone… And so is she … gone from the lonely swing. She remembers it feels good pushing other’s on their swings. So she sits. Waiting. Not alone.

Where On This Earth Am I?


I’ve been owning the seconds of my life. I’ve been embracing them like a small baby in my arms needing comfort and security. I’ve been recognizing the frailty of it all; time, love, honesty. So mush so that I often feel like I needed someone to talk me down, and get me out of the rainbow-coloured alleys, and butterfly chases – when just like that, a second happens to knock me down. There comes this second when I don’t want to open my eyes because a relationship is immanently about to change as trust goes over the edge of a cliff. I can’t stop it from going over – I’m just a spectator – the leap is not mine to be had. Then, during the next second, the universe is torn and my heart is on the floor bleeding hot, angry blood.

I need to own my seconds again – somehow. I need to stop thinking about the cliff. It’s airy silence reminds me that it’s not mine and that I should pay no attention to it. I had to look hard to find this relationship – and now everything is gone. Time to turn life off for another day. I can’t stop thinking about what we used to be. That I loved you – that I chose you. Now all I can see are stars in the sky reminding me that another second to be owned will come…eventually.

I will be thinking about us. And life moves on with yet another lesson I never asked for or saw coming. Like being sideswiped on the corner of a street by a speeding van – this relationship loss has hit me hard and fast. I have to stand my ground – trust deserves the splendour it is entitled to. Trust is everything. Until my tears have soaked my shirt with tears of truth, I will continue to look for another perfect breath. Chasing stars and hope. Backing away from the cliff at the very last second.

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