This picture was taken Dec 31st, 2014; New Years Eve while I was at Homewood Rehabilitation Centre. I found it today. What may appear to be a normal picture to you, is actually a picture filled with memories of struggles, sadness and fear that I felt behind the forced smile I am wearing.
As I sat on blankets that covered the floor because I hate germs (and still do) I muscled my way through probably the worst New Years Eve I had ever experienced. I was sober, still pretty much unwillingly at that time, living in the fog of withdrawal and hating that I could only sit on a floor and eat chips and drink ginger ale before our 1130 pm curfew! (which was a ‘treat’ as our curfew was normally 10) I was bitter and lonely and actually remember being SO frustrated that my friend and I calculated how long it would take for alcohol to metabolize in our body so that we could find a bar, numb the pain, and come back in the right amount of time in order to still have a clean urine! WOW! This ‘brilliant’ idea was wrong on so many levels! But THAT is how sick I was. In the moment it was exactly what I needed to do…and thank God, I didn’t.
The symptoms of withdrawal and recovery overall are so vast and complicated. I am grateful once again for my stay at Homewood Rehabilitation Centre because while I was in my last few weeks there, we learned about Post Acute Withdrawal. According to the experts, addicts will most likely feel symptoms of their withdrawal for up to 2 YEARS! Sigh. And one of the landmark times to experience this is at 18 months. It’s like a growth spurt for addicts, but there is no measuring tape inside a door frame reminding me of how far I’ve come; my sponsor and recovery friends are my measuring tape now…and that’s ok.
I am happy to say that I am approaching the 18 month landmark very soon, and just as predicted, I got hit with what I’m pretty sure is Post Acute Withdrawal over the past few weeks, and mostly over the past few days. I was transported back in time to the world I experienced when I was in that New Years Eve picture. I was mad, irritable, physically sick (vomiting), anxious, tired, apathetic, couldn’t sleep properly, craved sugar big-time, had dreams about drinking again, and even woke myself up with a night terror. Could I have had a touch of a gastro-intestinal virus? – Possibly. But when I thought back to how the doctors at Homewood explained Post Acute Withdrawal…I would bet money that that’s what I had been experiencing. I don’t recommend that anyone diagnose themselves without seeing a doctor first, but KNOWING that this even existed allowed me to find peace faster, and took away some of the fear I would have experienced if I had not known.
Frustrating, yes. End of the world, far from it! Even though my body brought me back to a time and feeling I had for the most part forgotten, I ONCE AGAIN used my tools, talked to friends and family, told my kids straight up that I wasn’t feeling good instead of hiding, focused on the successful recovery I was blessed with (when I was awake), and allowed it to pass. No thoughts of self harm in any way. No depression demons appeared. No hope was lost! I was educated and knew that what I was experiencing was quite normal, and may even happen again, but overall it served as a reminder of how far I’ve come, and how strong I am.
If you have a friend of loved one who is in recovery, please share this blog post with them so that they can educate themselves on Post Acute Withdrawal as well.
So happy almost 18 months clean and sober to me!
March 1, 2016 at 11:07 PM
Wow … 18 months. Really??
Where has the time gone.
Simply outstanding, Nat. Not only for recognizing what was going on, but for dealing with it wisely … AND … for going 18 months.
Remember that brick wall? Not only do I think it’s gone, I think you’ve repurposed those bricks into something far more useful and beautiful.
Well done being gentle on that soul 🙂
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March 1, 2016 at 11:11 PM
Thank you my wonderful friend! Time sure does fly doesn’t it!
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March 2, 2016 at 10:59 PM
Congratulations Natalie !! Way to go !!
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March 3, 2016 at 12:06 AM
You’re another “light” by which I light up my life.
So so so many times I feel so alone in this battle, this struggle – regardless of how many meetings I go to…you know what I mean.
I did 45 weeks in a rehab…and it was painful – on many levels. I did it, though. One of the few.
My two years is coming up in 2 weeks time – and I’ve gone through the “post” withdrawal. Damn, I drank for 34 years. It *was* my life…
Thankfully – very very thankfully – and gratefully – I have the tools, have the people, have my family – and even have folks that have nothing to do with addiction standing by me…and I know that I can keep going forward…and there are awesome stories like YOURS that gives me more light. Thanks. Heaps.
Peace and blessings, and don’t stop.
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March 3, 2016 at 7:50 AM
Hi Stephen 🙂 thank you so much for sharing! And congratulations on 2 years! Truly inspirational! Your encouragement helps me move forward just as much. 😄So happy you are well!
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March 11, 2016 at 8:43 PM
Wow Nat!
First of all congratulations on 18 months sober. That is an amazing accomplishment!!
Second, I find this very interesting. After I had injured my back, I was on opioid painkillers for quite a length of time. I had gone to a pain clinic, much like Homewood, but for sufferers of chronic pain. The program took me off the drugs gradually, over a couple of weeks and then nothing at all after that. It was one of the worst feelings that I have ever had to endure. I just wanted to crawl out my skin, it was so bad.
I remember a time, which would have been about 18 months afterwards, that was similar your experience you describe here. I wanted to have some opioid painkillers in the worst way and I was feeling horrible about that. Thankfully, I didn’t take any (I didn’t have some anyway) and made it past those feelings. Seeing your description of “Post Acute Withdrawal”, it makes perfect sense that is what I had endured.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey my friend!!
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March 13, 2016 at 8:24 PM
Thank you so much 🙂 I am so proud of you too! I was so happy that I remembered learning about it as my mind was SUCH a fog when I was in Homewood.
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